A Very Happy Father’s Day

Diary of a Soon-to-be Daddy

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

 Father’s Day is now yesterday’s news. It was Sunday – two days ago. By now all the crazy Father’s Day ties have been worn once and secretly put away to be forgotten about, the Father’s Day lunches have been eaten and paid for, and the Father’s Day congratulations said, heard, and promptly forgotten. For most American dads, the drudgery of fatherhood has resumed, almost uninterrupted, leaving Father’s Day but a memory.

Except, of course, for my Father’s Day.

My Father’s Day this year was my first Father’s Day. And even though I didn’t have my “firstborn” son in my arms to share the day with, I still had a day that commemorated our relationship (even though that relationship is still distinctly one-sided!).

Last week we received notice from the adoption agency that we had been officially “matched” with Vanya (our nickname for him), the three-year-old Bulgarian boy we’re adopting – our son. Matching does not mean everything’s done and we can simply go pick him up. No, there is still lots to do. But it does mean that no-one else can adopt him. No other Bulgarian, American, or anyone else can call him their son. No-one has that right any longer – just us. So even though there’s still legal mumbo-jumbo to wrangle, visitations to be approved, and so forth, he is, for all intents and purposes, our son. The great thing was that this happened last Wednesday (June 12). That was the day before Mel’s birthday (the 13^th), a few days before Vanya’s third birthday, and four days before Father’s Day. So it made for a week of “days”, and it made for the perfect Father’s Day.

The reason this is such a big deal to me is because last year, even though we had begun the adoption process by Father’s Day, I couldn’t really celebrate it. We hadn’t got to the part of the process where we were able to pick a kid yet. We didn’t even know Vanya existed then. At that point, the adoption was still a goal-less activity, a race without a trophy at the end. It was horrible. I had the loving heart of a father (I’ve had one for quite a long time now actually), but no child to direct it toward. One of my closest friends wished me Happy Father’s Day last year, and while I knew in my brain that she meant it with nothing but love and kindness to me, I still wanted to react negatively toward her. It was a day of grief – the antithesis of what Father’s Day is supposed to be.

This year, though, was entirely different. It was a joy. We have selected Vanya to be ours, he has been matched to us so no-one else can snatch him away, and we are ploughing forward with the legal mumbo-jumbo so we can go see him in the fall. His birthday and Mel’s birthday were only recently celebrated, and my own dad was out here from California doing ministry work. I got to spend time with him over the weekend, go kayaking with him, make him a Father’s Day card too, and take him to the most amazing cheese shop and restaurant for lunch.

But best of all, I was wished Happy Father’s Day by many of my friends, and for the first time in years (in fact, since the dreaded 2010 I mentioned last week), it didn’t hurt like hell! So many of my friends came up, said “Happy Father’s Day!!!” and gave me big hugs. One lady, herself an adoptive mother, told Mel to “make sure you wish Ian a Happy Father’s Day and get him an ugly tie or something!” It felt like I’d joined the cool kids’ club! It was great! AND, I even got that tie from Mel – palm trees on a blue background!

Even though Vanya is still across the sea and doesn’t know we even exist yet, he is still my son, and I his father. No, I haven’t changed a diaper yet, I haven’t been woken up at ungodly hours by his incessant screaming, I haven’t sat through hospital visits or boring school plays or excruciating sports games. Some “real” fathers may question whether I have the “right” to enjoy a Father’s Day since I haven’t done these things yet. But I feel I do. I am a dad nonetheless. Mel and I have put in countless hours to make Vanya our son. We have fought countless battles, raised funds, and missed out on hobbies and time with friends just so we can have something other people take for granted. We have made Vanya our son, and we love him as our son. He is our son and I his father. So it was a very Happy Father’s Day indeed!