SAQs

This week, I want to answer a couple of unasked questions – questions that I see on people’s faces and hear in their voices – questions that are not polite or considered acceptable to ask. I’ve touched a little on some of these questions before, but I still come across them quite frequently. I call them SAQs – silently asked questions – because few people are willing to voice them.  However, these questions are genuine and need to be answered, so I will give them the best answer I know how.

SAQ: Why didn’t you adopt domestically – don’t you know how many children are waiting for good parents in foster care?

A: We had a couple of reasons for adopting internationally. One of the reasons for us adopting was that we wanted to help a child in need. And while the needs of the first world orphan are many, the needs of the second and third world orphan are even greater. Children in the US need parents, it is true – and we are excited and grateful for those who step forward to meet this need – but there are children out there that don’t have food to eat. Or medical care to keep them healthy. Or lay imprisoned in cribs day in and day out. You might find these conditions in the US, but they are rare – the exception. In many countries around the world, these conditions are the norm for orphans. To us, what joy it was to think that we could change the life a child in great need.

Vanya needs parents – this is perhaps his greatest need. But he is also undernourished. He is the size of a two year old - even though he is three – but a very skinny two year old. When we show someone his picture, the first question is – are you sure he is only three and not older? It is true, if you have no reference for his height, he looks like a five year old. The reason is that he has no baby fat like other children his age. He also is the recipient of Eastern European medical care… I won’t comment further, but we are eager to get him to some US doctors.

SAQ: What a shame you could not find a healthy child to adopt! Are you sure you are ok settling for a child with special needs?

A: The answer to this question is similar to the answer to the previous question. We are choosing to adopt a child with special needs. It is what we want, what we were looking for when we set out to adopt. The decision was made something like this… We had made the decision to adopt a couple of weeks before and to adopt internationally to meet a greater need. But for days, God had been asking me a question – was I willing to meet an even greater need? Was I willing to love one of the least of his children – one with special needs? One that was rejected by everyone – who could possibly live his or her whole childhood neglected in the orphanage if we did not step forward? People are lining up by the thousands to adopt healthy babies. But who will adopt the child who is broken and scarred? So I took a deep breath and broached the topic with Ian… half fearing that he would reject the idea. I had no reason to fear… God had been asking him the same question! Our answer became a resounding “Yes, Lord!”

SAQ: So what are Vanya’s special needs?

A: When you look at a picture of Vanya, he looks healthy. He has all four limbs and a wonderful smile! But he is visually impaired… the doctors thought he was completely blind at first, but very recently, it became evident that he does see a little – perhaps just shadows; we won’t know how much until he starts communicating what he is seeing. His lungs are damaged and underdeveloped from his premature birth. He has trouble breathing and is not getting enough oxygen. As his left lung is the stronger of the two it does most of the work – as a result he has a lopsided chest. He has a third special need that we know of (we could always discover more when we take him to the doctor) – his legs are very weak with little muscle tone. This could be just because he spent his first two years doing nothing but laying in his crib, but there could be underlying medical reasons. But he is walking now with support!

We believe that we are the best thing for Vanya – some good food, good medical care, and a whole lot of love will set some of what is wrong with him right. Some things cannot be fixed – unless God has something special up his sleeve! But we believe that if God is calling us to be this boy’s parents, we are going to be equipped to take care of him. We already know some – like the ins and out of the visually impaired world because of Ian’s own sight issues. We know that God will teach us as we go along too.

Please be praying for Vanya… and for us. We are getting ready to meet him for the first time… we will receive our travel dates in a few weeks. Please pray that the finances will come in… we still have about $4,200 to go for his adoption fees, plus the cost of travel. Thank you to all that have given both prayers and funds to get us this far!

Drumroll, Please...

We have officially received a referral for one adorable, three-year-old boy!!!!!

Yesterday, far way in Bulgaria, probably in a non-descript conference room, the Ministry of Justice's International Adoption Committee met to consider the fate of little ones entrusted to their care. This, in and of itself, was a miracle because the official who oversees the committee had not yet been appointed after the most recent election. It had been months since they had met, and the pile of dossiers had been growing. So the government decided, quite ironically I think, to have the official in charge of prisons chair the meeting – to have the person normally in charge of locking people up in an institution switch to freeing people from an institution!

We were not expecting them to get to our dossier – it was at the very bottom of that giant, backlogged stack. We were told that if they did not get to it, the next meeting would probably be in September after everyone’s summer vacation. So we set our expectations on that time frame.

Bulgaria is quite technologically advanced… the adoption division of the government has its own Facebook page and everything. I noticed a post on my newsfeed… the meeting had taken place yesterday and some kids with special needs had been referred to parent. Not us, I thought.

Have I mentioned that I am a nuisance to our adoption agency? I call them a lot. I try not to call them without reason… but they are my only link to my little boy, so sometimes, when I am longing for him, I stretch it a little. I make up a reason. Then I chat with them a bit and feel a bit better. Poor people – they are trying to get their work done and here I am call asking them stupid questions just so that I can talk about Vanya.

That is what I did today…I thought, “We can’t possibly have been approved by that meeting… but I should call anyway just to talk… it’s a legitimate reason… or at least it will appear to be.”

But to my surprise, our adoption agency worker said, “Oh, yes, do I have good news… your dossier has been approved and a referral was made to you for your cute little boy!” I was flabbergasted! Hurrah! Where is that confetti I have been keeping for just such an occasion? Oh, well, some cyber confetti will do!

So, what now?

In a few weeks, we will get the paper referral and acceptance paperwork (like I have said, the paperwork never ends). We then say “Yes!” and sign the papers accepting his referral. Then we send the papers back with a lump of money and wait for our approval to travel to see our Vanya for the first time (We are so looking forward to meeting our little tyke!) and to sign the official adoption paperwork. (Yes, more paperwork!)

We believe that if God has sped up the process and has turned a September referral into a July referral, then He will provide the needed funds in a shorter amount of time. It’s crunch time… and that is a little scary for us, but at the same time, we see God moving… moving dates, moving mountains, moving hearts... and believe that we can rely on Him to work this miracle.

Many people have asked us to let them know when we really “need” the funds to bring Vanya home. Well, NOW is that time! In about a month, we will need about $4,500 for Vanya’s final adoption fees. Yes, we will need more funds later for travel, but for now, the pressure is on to pay the final adoption fees for the court proceedings in Bulgaria. At the top right of this page there is a link to called "Donation Options". If you could help bring our son home to us – to make him an orphan no more – we would be incredibly thankful.

EEEEeeeeekkk! SO exciting! Our little boy may be home for Christmas after all!

A Prayer for My Boy

Diary of a Soon-to-be Daddy

Tuesday, July 15, 2013

                  In the week since Mommy Mel wrote our last adoption post, little Vanya probably hasn’t grown by much at all. For most parents, it seems as if their kids grow up by the day. “It seems like just yesterday you were a little baby in my arms!” they’ll say to their now-grown son or daughter. “My, haven’t you grown!” is another common statement directed at growing children, usually by loved ones who haven’t seen them in a short while but who look on, dumbfounded, at the now not-so-little people standing before them. But for us, our son doesn’t grow much at all. He has taken three years to get to the size of a two-year-old. In fact, he weighs about as much as a one-year-old we know. He doesn’t really grow... at least very fast. In Mel’s post, she mentioned how this is due to factors such as lack of exercise, lack of real food (he is fed “gruel” – literally – Oliver Twist, eat your heart out!), and so forth. But the main reason he doesn’t grow is due to the lack of a primary care giver. In short, the simple fact that he has no mother and no father loving him, playing with him, talking to him, and being with him, means that he stays puny, weak, and listless.

                  But it occurred to me as I was preparing to write this post that our boy Vanya does in fact have at least one primary care giver – his Father in Heaven. Now at face value, this sounds like a total cliché, like I’m flippantly saying about our dejected little orphan boy, “Welp, at least he’s got God! That’ll have to do. Tut tut tut!” But that assumption couldn’t be further from the truth. I came to this realization a couple weeks ago, and it has changed how I actively think and pray for our only son. It has given me a prayer for him that I know that his Father in Heaven, his only true caregiver at this point, is working in him. Here’s how it happened:

                  A few weeks ago I asked the Lord what He wanted to teach me that day (with the intention that it would be something that would span several days). He said, very simply, “Grace.” Now I knew that He wasn’t telling me He wanted me to re-learn how to say grace before dinner, or that he wanted me to become a graceful fashion model or something silly like that. I knew that He wanted me instead to learn about His “grace” so that I would be more like Him, love Him better, and love others more fully. So I took His instruction and began reading Bible verses and stories in which Jesus is associated with the word “grace.” One of the first ones I came to was Luke 2:40: “The Child continued to grow and become strong in spirit, increasing in wisdom; and the grace of God was upon Him.”

                  As I sat and pondered this verse, knowing full well that it was talking about Jesus as a boy and how he had to grow into a man of wisdom, strength, and grace, the Lord spoke to me and said, “Pray this for Vanya.” It totally shocked me. The Person that this verse was written about was actually telling me to ask for it for my own son. And it makes total sense.

                  “The Child continued to grow…” Vanya is puny and underdeveloped physically. He is three years old but the size and weight of a two-year-old. He was born prematurely and lives with the physical consequences. He doesn’t talk much. He is clearly aware of his surroundings and of people, many of whom he recognizes and responds to, and he gets enjoyment out of things like getting dressed up and going out (remind you of someone?), but he needs strength – physical strength.

                  “And become strong in spirit…” With regard to his “spirit” – his life force, his desires and thoughts and passions, the very things that make him him, we can only imagine what damage being an orphan has done. He has had no one to love him, no one to teach him, no one to approve him. His spirit is probably weak and underdeveloped, just like his body. It needs supernatural strength. Mel and I will give him this as best as we can, but his Father in Heaven needs to do the lion’s share of the work. He’s got a lot of catching up to do, but with God, all things are possible.

                  “Increasing in Wisdom…” When I think of Vanya growing in wisdom, I think of it like this; “Is he wise to us yet?” In essence, does he have some inkling that maybe, just maybe, there are two loving parents out there that are on their way to get him? Adoptive kids oftentimes are so shocked by being removed from the orphanage – the only home they have known – by complete strangers that they almost feel like they’re being kidnapped. While their new parents shower them with love, the kids start off their new family life fearful of their new parents. I don’t want this for Vanya. I don’t want him to fear us. As crazy as this sounds, I want him to know (as best he can know at the age of three and a half) that we are his rightful parents, and be ready to take him home where he actually belongs. “Wisdom” like this can only come from the Lord. It is so impossible that it’s ludicrous. But the Lord oftentimes operates in the ludicrous for those who love Him. It’s how He keeps us on our toes.

                  “And the grace of God was upon him.” Now this one is already somewhat of a done deal. Vanya has God’s grace on him already. By this I mean that God looks at him and says, “I know life sucks for you right now. You’re rejected and forgotten. But I have a plan for you and I’m already working it out. While you’re waiting, I’m going to make you so beautiful and loved – even in your state of rejection and suffering – that you get to your family sooner than you think.” How do I know this is happening? Because we have been told by our adoption agency that Vanya is strangely very loved for an orphan. His orphanage in Bulgaria adores him, they take him on car rides, they dress him up, and they even got him a nanny. They love him so much that they have assigned scholarships and grants to him so that his adoptive family (us) will have less of a financial burden adopting him. For whatever reason, he is favoured. That is God’s grace on him, and I pray it continues.

                  So as the months drag on and we wait to be approved to travel to see him, I pray this prayer for my son, “Lord, You know little Vanya better than I do. You see him alone and rejected and without a family. You know exactly what he needs. I humbly ask You, as your son and servant, that You would make my son strong, that you would strengthen him. I ask You that You would help him grow into the size of person you’ve designed him to be. I ask that You would make him see well enough to see my and Mel’s faces when we come get him. I ask You that you would make him “wise” to us, his new parents, so that we’re not a terrible shock to him. And I pray that Your grace would continue to be on him. All these things are possible for You. So I ask You for them and thank You for them in Faith.”

                  Amen.

Measuring Up

This week we found out how tall our son is... he is a mighty little man of 2 feet 10 inches.

This was one of the missing bits of information from his file - there were quite a few holes that we are trying to fill in.

How big is that? It is the height of an average two year old.

Vanya also weighs 24 pounds... the weight of an average 18 month old.

If you were to find this height and weight on the World Health Organizations growth charts, he is under the 3rd percentile for his age... he is not even reaching the minimum height and weight charted for his age.

"What is wrong with him," you ask, "that he is not growing as he should?"

Actually, he is exactly where children who grow up in an orphanage normally are for his age. It is very typical to be delayed at a rate of about a third of what the child should be for his age. Since he has spent three years in the orphanage, he has only grown physically and developmentally for two years.

There are several factors that contribute to this... inadequate nutrition, lack of exercise, etc., but the main factor, according to all the experts, is not having a primary care giver. The children in orphanages are delayed and do not grow as fast as they should because they do not have a mommy and a daddy to love and take care of them. Who knew that you really needed love to grow?!?!

And we are ready to love him! We will make him grow so strong and big that no one will be able tell that he was once small and weak. We will fill him full of hugs and kisses... not to mention yummy nutritious food and drink... so that he will have all that he needs to grow.

However, in order to go and get him we need our adoption fund to grow a little more too. We are currently saving toward the second and final international payment. (We never even told you we paid the first one!) The second international fee is a whopper! But God has already been providing through some of those grants I was telling you about!

Second International Fee             $11,000

Bulgarian Lawyer Grant                 -$2,000

Scholarship from Agency              -$1,500

Total Due                                           $7,500

We need to pay this amount when we officially accept the referral in a couple of months. The good news is that we have already saved up about $2,770 of this fee, so we have only about $4,730 to go! Part of me thinks that is a lot… but then the faith-filled part of me says, “Only that little amount?!?! Pssh – that is nothing! God can do that with one hand tied behind His back!”

I also promised that I would let everyone know the cost of our trips to Bulgaria – the first one to visit with Vanya and sign the adoption paperwork, and the second to bring him home (yay!) for once and for all.

 

Tickets to Sofia this fall are about $900/person. That comes to around $3,600 for airfare for the two of us for two trips, plus a one way ticket home for Vanya, which will be an additional $900 according to the adoption agency. They have also estimated that we will need about $3000 for “in-country” expenses - for our hotel, food, and transportation… although I doubt this – they obviously don’t know how thrifty the Elliotts can be!

There may be a few other fees for Vanya’s visa and some miscellaneous forms, but that should be it.

It feels like we are raising a ransom to set him free… and I suppose we are!

If you would like to help us raise this ransom and free our little man from life in the orphanage, we would really appreciate it.  Just see the link on the side of the page called "Donation Options".

Many thanks to all who have helped us come this far!

Dossier Finished!

We mailed our dossier off yesterday!!!



Our dossier, with the two required copies.



Apparently, it takes 178 pages to sum up our lives enough for Bulgaria to determine if we will be good adoptive parents. 

I should feel elated. Instead, I feel deflated.

But the majority of the paperwork is completed now... though when I called the adoption agency to let them know that the dossier was on its way, they told me they had a new document that was now required that I needed to get started on. Oh, well. I must face the fact that the paperwork will not end until we send off the last post adoption report two years after we get him home. Maybe then I will celebrate.

Now begins the two-four month waiting for permission to travel.

We have been saying that we could get Vanya around Christmas... but that is being very optimistic and selecting the shorter timeframe within the time spans of waiting for travel, waiting for court dates, waiting for permission to go and get him and bring him home. The shortest we can expect to wait is five months from today... the longest is nine months. And then (I dread to even think about it) there is always the chance that everything could get all messed up and it could be even longer.

Do I sound discouraged?

I would rather think that I am grimly determined. Come hell and/or high water... he is ours and we are willing to pay any price, suffer through many long days of waiting, and travel over many miles to have him in our arms.

I wish we could tell him we are coming for him. I wonder if they have told him yet... that he has a mommy and daddy waiting for him patiently, yearning for him impatiently, ready to go and see him the moment we hear the word - straining at the starting line, ready to rush away to our little boy. 

We are coming, little Vanya! Your mommy and daddy are coming for you!