Worldview

Sometimes I look around at the world that I live in and think, "Wow, everything is so... different...". Most of the time it feels like I am a foreigner in a strange land... people do things differently - value things differently. I have been through so many cultural shift in my short lifetime... each change of place and change of subculture brings new ideas and ways of doing things.

I was raised in weirdness... I know that now. I was raised by weirdo (but much loved) hippy parents out in the boonies. Things were not valuable. People were not even valuable. Education was not valuable. Very few things mattered, but those few things were of momentous value.

Like intention... it did not matter what you did, it was what you intended. If you failed do something, you were asked, did you intend to fail? If the answer is yes... you did not succeed because you were lazy, careless, etc., then it was indeed failure. If you intended to succeed, but external matters prevented it, well, that was as good as success. Of course, while this sounds like a very generous way of looking at things, it backfired most of the time, if you lied to yourself (if you really believe it, then it is not a lie, in the world I used to live in) and said that you really did intend to.... Well, the road to Hell is paved with good intention.

In my current world, this philosophy just doesn't work. You just can't say, "Well, I intended to finished that project, Mr. Boss Man, but I met this guy in the cafeteria and lost all track of time. But I was networking and now have a great new contact if we ever need an expert in metrics" and have it count as a success - you did not complete your project by the deadline, so you failed. Sometimes intention is not enough. Action is needed - the correct actions at the correct time. To say "I intended to do paperwork for the adoption last night, but made cookies instead, but it is ok because they are for a friend who is feeling low" doesn't cut it. I sometimes dwell on the idead that each day I delay on the paperwork is a day that my child sits in loneliness. I could make all the excuses in the world, but that doesn't change reality. The cookies are only a moment of pleasure for the friend, and do not compare to saving a child from a day more of neglect, hunger, and lovelessness. I think I have to be harsh on myself, because if I am not, I am being doubly harsh on my child.

But this way of my current world is not the way of God. The road to Heaven is not paved with good actions... it  is paved with hope and faith. I have a hope that will not be disappointed and a faith that all will work together for good. God has a plan, an intricate tapestry that is all His own creation. Each thread overlaps and is co-mingled with another at a certain time, for a certain time, in a certain way. I have placed our adoption of our little one in the hands of an Almighty God. Yes, there is an urgency! Yes, I want for it to happen as soon as possible! Sooner, if that can be arranged! But I know that it will happen in His timing, with His purposes.

Can you believe this is all hand sewn?!?

As we move forward with this adoption, I know that as we build this house, the Lord is building it as well. It is not in vain. It is upheld by a Divine Cornerstone and will not end in failure. There will come a time when I have a child in my arms to love and to bless beyond anything he or she has ever known. Perhaps then I will be able to look back and say, yes, it was meant to be this way, at this time. Perhaps not. Perhaps I will never know the specific whys and wherefores, but I do trust that the Loving God has it this way for a loving reason - whatever that is.

My Pool of Lime Jello

When I was a kid, I would often daydream about what it would be like to swim in a swimming pool full of jello. It was always lime flavored... my favorite. I dreamt that I would eat it as I swam along as effortlessly as possible. I envisioned I would not sink, just sort of float near the surface.

I never was a good swimmer... and I would rarely have such a treat as jello. It was the best of both worlds.

"How could this possibly relate to adoption?" you ask.

Well, my dream has come true! Not the pool full of jello one, but the adoption one. I have dreamed (literally and figurtively) of adoption for years! How fun it would be, how effortlessly I would trudge ahead through the paperwork - I liked filling out paperwork, after all! I would go through the process, taking in the joy of each moment until I had the highest joy of all - a child in my arms to love and to raise!

Yes...

I am now convinced that jello is not all that easy to swim in. It is easy to get stuck in. And it is sticky and is not fun. And while the first swallow or two was delicious, my favorite flavor indeed, a whole swimming pool full of paperwork leaves the worst aftertaste.

Yes...

I have developed a dislike of the process of adoption... well, it's ok. Just not as great as I thought it would be. If it only had taken a month or two, maybe I would not have gotten sick of it.

But it is taking years... as we knew that it would. And we are only halfway through the paperwork.

Sometimes I hear a whisper... "Is it worth it?"

To this whisper, I shout back, I yell at the loudest volume possible:

YES!

Yes, the fun has faded and it is now work... hard work.
Yes, the waiting seems never ending.
Yes, I am weary.

But yes, it is worth every tiresome moment, every stupid question that needs answering.
Yes, it is worth every moment of longing and twiddling my thumbs (which really should be working on paperwork, not twiddling!).
Yes, it is worth the endless lists of tasks that all need to be done now, now, now.

Yes, it is worth tens of thousands of dollars.
Yes, it is worth sacrificing and scraping along.
Yes, it is worth losing sleep, pride, and sanity.

You see, this is not a daydream, an idle thought. It is a real little person laying in a crib alone day and night. It is a real little boy or girl who has never been hugged. It is a member of my family, my own son or daughter, that has been wretched away from all that is right in the world.

How can I not give my all, my every waking moment and many of my sleeping ones, to rescue a child from despair? To redeem a little life that only knows the ache of emptiness? Whose only chance in the world is to be found by a family who cares enough to do seemingly endless tasks to bring them out of loneliness and into love?

How can I not?

I wanted to include some photos of Bulgarian orphans in cribs... but it broke my heart. So many photos of children wasting away, alone, dying, starving... I cannot put any on this blog.

Second Trimester... Am I Starting to Show? (Paper Pregnancy Part 2)

Some of you may remember when I laid out the whole of our adoption journey within the metaphor of paper pregnancy (here it is, if you want to read it again).


So we have made it to our second trimester! Hurrah... the morning sickness is starting to go away and we are starting to notice the little signs of our soon coming child here and there... Our pile of paperwork has grown noticeably - in fact, we will soon have to switch out of normal folders and start using maternity folders.

Maternity folder - with expanding side gussets for our ever-growing pile of love!

But all "kid"ding (ha ha) aside, it has become very real to us that we are expectant parents. We have gotten past the giddy "We are adopting!" phase and are re-working our thoughts, actions, and identities in anticipation of our new role as parents. We are asking questions and taking notes from all the parents we know. We are thinking how we can change our routines to make room for our little one. We are jamming in all the late night movies we can... the time is coming when we will have to go to the early movie and spend $30 on a babysitter!

It is a joyful anticipation. We are all set for a nice long wait while we prepare... which will drag by super slow while we wait... but then - suddenly the waiting will be over and we will be rushing away to Bulgaria to meet and then again to bring home the child of our hearts!

During all of this, we may have some days when the waiting feels like it will never end. Please encourage us if you see us looking down or trying to put up a brave front! Send us a text, give us a smile... it will make our day!

Here's how you can pray for us during this stage of our adoption:

• We need encouragement... pray that God will be the lifter of our heads.
• We need wisdom... pray that God will give us His wisdom.
• We need courage... pray that God will make us brave.
• We need favour... pray that God will be with us every step.
• We need funds... pray that God will provide.
• We need perseverance... pray that God will give us strength.

Thank you, my friends!

More Good News!

We have more good news!

We checked the balance of the orphan ministry fund at our church and people having been sending checks there too for our adoption fund! We now have enough to send our dossier off to Bulgaria with the first fee - $2500! Wow! And just weeks ago, I was feeling like the adoption process had stalled out. Now we have enough funds to move to the international phase!

I am almost finished with the immigration paperwork - I just have to collect a couple of documents and to answer two more questions. Then we will write the check for our dear government to process the papers (a mere $890 plus some other minor fees) and send it off to the Dallas processing office! I hope to have it finished by next week. Maybe...

This weekend we are celebrating our wedding 7th anniversary!  We are planning on going to a museum, lunch, and maybe even a movie!

A very young looking Mr. and Mrs. Elliott

But after all that celebrating, we will be attacking the dossier paperwork... a mountain in and of itself... but then we seem to have, with a little help from our friends, climbed two already.

Woohoo!!

Good News and Happy New Year!

I am sure everyone is wondering... did God provide? Will the Elliotts be able to make their second payment to the adoption agency?

Yes!

God did provide - through the generosity and prayers of many beautiful people! We will be able to proceed... now I will tackle that paperwork with vigor, knowing that we can move forward as soon as it is done! So very, very exciting. (I have yet to update the fund thermometer, hopefully that will happen before next week's blog.)

Each gift, each donation to our little one's adoption moves me almost to tears - no matter how much the amount is, I see it as love. Love for us, love for our future child, love of what is good and right in the world, love for God and His heart. Everyone may have a different motive, or many motives, for giving but what is boils down to is love, pure and simple.

It humbles me and makes me very grateful that our dear friends and family would pour out so abundantly into our need. Please know that I will always have a special place in my heart for all of you. When I see my child smile, when I hear his or her joyous laughter, or tweak his or her cute little nose, I will know that it was your giving and your prayers that has brought my child into my arms. (On a side note, this would make you equally responsible for tantrums.)

For your prayers and generousity, we are eternally grateful. After we finish with the immigration paperwork, we will be entering the Bulgarian phase of the adoption. While this is very encouraging, path gets steeper and more difficult from here on out. Paperwork will be complex. Requirements will be poorly translated and there will be a great potential for misunderstanding. And the fees! I don't even want to think about it now, lest I lose the hope I have found in God's recent provision and in your outpouring of love.

This new year is full of hope and expectation for us... it could be within this year that we see our little one for the first time, maybe even be able to tuck him or her in and give goodnight kisses in our own little apartment! It could take a little longer, but I think that we will be able to rescue our child from a hopeless, loveless existence in an orphanage very soon.

Happy, Hopeful, New Year!

Thank you!